College · Juniors

How and why to ask for help

Before junior year starts, understand that two of your teachers will be your recommenders.

Short answer

Your recommenders will be the only non-you humans present in your application. They will give a fair perspective on who you are and what motivates you. It won’t seriously harm your application if your recommendation letter sounds like every other student’s, but it will be a wasted opportunity.

Besides working hard and smart in class, here’s how to stand out: ask for help, be early, and bring your best self to at least two classes.

Start with a few honest questions

Ask yourself, do you ask for help when you need it? Do you help others when they need it? Are you on time?—early? Are you listening attentively? Do you ask questions that make class more interesting? Do you care about class?—does it spark your curiosity? If your intuitive answer is no, here’s the best reason to change your mind: you have to sit through class anyways, wouldn’t it be rewarding to try making it interesting?

“Mr. Levey was the most energetic teacher I ever had. He would jump on a desk to tell a completely tangential story, he would act out passages from whatever book we were reading, and he would be so genuinely excited about everything we did, even the grammar unit.
He admitted to hating high school as a student. He felt trapped in his desk, angry. He told the class this while explaining his undergraduate thesis on the psychology of boxers. The one thing every boxer had in common, Mr. Levey said, was they could only hit their opponents—really hit them—by imagining they were fighting themselves.
He had no outlet for all his energy—or anger, or teenage angst—when he was in high school. But now he goes back. Every weekday. To teach.
Mr. Levey regrets not finding a healthy outlet for that energy, the outlet he’s found now. He regrets wasting all that time staring at the clock when if he’d found one thing in class that made him excited, he would’ve been able to focus. To learn. To be a little less angry.
Now, his outlet is his personality—but he doesn’t let students stand on desks, too. He pushes them to find academic opportunities to engage: he challenges student-athletes with their heads down to connect the class discussion to sports, bored students to focus because who knows what this guy’ll say next, curious students to go above and beyond. On small assignments, Mr. Levey might give a talented student a B for A-quality work when he knows a talented student could’ve done better. He would likely admit the grammar unit is a lost cause.”
— Anonymous Student

Bring your best self to two classes

Going above and beyond in classrooms—whether that’s asking for help on a topic you’re struggling with or asking for extra material on a topic you’re excited about—is the best way to develop curiosity, open-mindedness, and psychological flexibility. Make a conscious effort to bring your best self to at least two classes, but don’t force it. Your intention shouldn’t be getting the recommendation. Not only will your teacher see through any excessive sucking up… here’s the juicy bit: give this experience a genuine effort, with the goal of helping others, of being flexible, kind, curious.

You don’t build teacher friendships by acting all tough and smart and network-y. You do it by being vulnerable: by asking for help on small things, by opening up, by respecting yourself and others, and—if you can—by being irreverently kind. Doing these things is not “hard” like solving a tricky math problem is. They’re scary but straightforward. Don’t force yourself to develop every quality, but think about a few you’d want to try.

Ask a teacher when you’re unsure on what, why, or how to do something. Ask after class if you’re uncomfortable at first. Even this requires vulnerability: send the question in an email if all else fails.
Think about topics the class doesn’t have time to cover. If a teacher opens class with, “Today… X, Y, and Z,” ask after class about what X, Y, and Z were like 50 years ago, or what reading you could do to learn more about their past.
Try showing up to a class 10 minutes early every day for a week. Five minutes if your schedule’s tight. 30 seconds if it’s to the wire. Having a consistent interaction where you send the positive signal of “I’m early—I care about this class,” no matter how brief, will have a positive impact on your relationship and shared respect.
Be mindful of when your peers are uncomfortable or confused. There usually won’t be something you can do about it (don’t loudly interrupt class to resolve the discomfort), but there will be opportunities where this shows. We all do this to some degree: we know who the smart kids are in a class, who’s paying attention, who doesn’t care, who likes who. Focusing more on the emotional side will make helping your peers easier when you get the chance.
Make a classroom environment better by listening better. We all think of ourselves as good listeners, but there are tiny things we do in classes that send positive, reassuring signals to teachers. Good posture and eyes on the whiteboard make a difference because they’re contagious. If the front row of a class is slouching, everyone behind them will pay a little less attention. Sit up a little straighter. Don’t twiddle your pencil. Don’t start zipping up your backpack two minutes before the bell.

If it feels rewarding, carry yourself this way more often—even outside of class—and watch serendipity follow.

Why it matters beyond college

By building more relationships out of kindness, vulnerability, and a passion to go the extra mile, you’ll find yourself with a group of friends and mentors willing to vouch for you, defend you, and support you. Sometimes, this is for a specific goal (getting a good college recommendation), but other times, you’ll only realize you’ve successfully found these people when you need them most: a place to sleep when you don’t have one, a lone voice willing to speak up when you’ve been wrongly accused, a deciding vote in your favor that breaks a split decision.

“If I’ve become more sincere, it’s because of a lot of positive reinforcement. People can tell and it surprises them. Having a few people say, completely sincerely, ‘Why you so cheesy?’ ‘Why you so nice?’ is hilarious, like a gotcha moment in the universe.”
— Jaan Altosaar

How and why to ask for help

Start with a few honest questions

Bring your best self to two classes

Why it matters beyond college

Next steps

Unique applications aren’t what you think

Practice expressing yourself

The college essay checklist

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